Frozen, Siblings, & the Ethics of Care

Sibling Love and Loyalty

The Disney movie Frozen came out on DVD right around my daughter’s second birthday. It was the first movie she would actually sit and pay attention to. Before Anna, Elsa, and Olaf graced the screen, my daughter always preferred toddling around and try to distract her older brother, four at the time, who would be glued to the screen no matter the movie. Frozen, however, captivated her full attention and imagination. After watching the movie with her and overhearing it time and time again from the other room or on road trips, my wife and I instituted an unspoken ban on the film. 

My daughter, now seven, was delighted by the announcement there would be a Frozen II. Last weekend, to prepare we lifted our ban and watched the original movie again together. Although we had some traumatic flashbacks, my wife and I agreed the original movie is actually enjoyable with admirable themes that we want to instill in our children. 

One obviously a praiseworthy aspect of Frozen is the celebration of sibling love and loyalty as opposed to the typical Disney tact of elevating romantic love. In an “act of true love,” Anna sacrifices herself for her sister, even though Elsa has obviously made mistakes shut her out, and put their whole kingdom in jeopardy (After six years do I really need to include a spoiler alert?). 

I want my children to love, be loyal, and care for their siblings. Writer Jeffrey Kluger points out that, "Our parents leave us too early, our spouse and our children come along too late. Our siblings are the only ones who are with us for almost the entire ride. Over the arc of decades, there may be nothing that defines us and forms us more powerfully than our relationship with our sisters and brothers."

I have a surplus of siblings. They represent some of the most challenging, perplexing, yet formative relationships I have in my life. This was no accident, our parents ingrained in us an appreciation for one another. Growing up there was a standing rule that I could not go play with neighborhood friends or go to someone’s house if I was not getting along with my sister. My mother told me if you won’t get along with your sister, you won’t have the opportunity to get along with anyone else. This seemed absurd at the time. I thought, “my sister is always going to be here, she’s not going anywhere, but my friends just might.” 

That was the point. My parents wisely insisted I invest the most in and work the hardest for relationships that are going to be with me the longest and that are the most formative. To this day I have great, although sometimes (or oftentimes) challenging relationships with my siblings.

Ethics of Care & Sibling Lessons
We must acknowledge that our ethical development and formation is shaped by and inevitably shapes others. This makes me think of a novel ethical theory called “the ethics of care.” The ethics of care recognizes that human flourishing only occurs when we embrace our responsibility to care for those dependent upon us and acknowledge our moral need for caring relationships.

There are a lot of necessary lessons I’ve learned from the caring relationships of my seven siblings, including the advice that if you’re going to run away from home you should pack a quarter and a tutu. Here are just a few other astute lessons I’ve learned from the care of my siblings: 

1. You’ll never regret being kind to someone, no matter who they are.
2. All things are redeemable, especially us.
3. The best thing you can do for someone in a personal crisis is simply be on their team. 
4. An inspiring example of content and faithful service to others.
5. Sometimes flourishing requires breaking from other people’s expectations.
6. No matter what you have to do, you could have fun doing it.
7. Follow curiosity to wherever it leads even if others don’t get it.

Those are seven lessons I’ve learned from my seven siblings (Now I get to sit back and enjoy them debate among themselves which ones are most important).

When discussing ethics of care, Virginia Held points out that this emphasis on our relationships is a critique of the “liberal individualist conception [that] fosters the illusion that society is composed of free, equal, and independent individuals who can choose to associate with one another or not.” In reality, everyone is dependent upon others at various points physically and often emotionally and spiritually. 

Usually in Western Ethics we envision the lone rational moral agent weighing what is right and wrong in a vacuum. But this is not how we really live or experience most moral questions. In reality, we began practicing moral philosophy and ethical decision-making in the context of our families, especially our siblings when we’re young. Whether positively or negatively, we’re shaped in relation to our forced daily partners, our brothers and sisters. 

Held continues, "The ethics of care is, instead, hospitable to the relatedness of persons. It seems that many of our responsibilities as not freely entered into but presented to us by the accidents of our embeddedness in familial and social and historical contexts. It often calls on us to take responsibility, while liberal individualist morality focuses on how we should leave each other alone."

We didn’t choose our family, but it has a critical impact on our moral development. Two of my sisters did not freely choose to be in the moral quandary of what one should do when your little brother is attempting to run away from home. Instead, they were embedded in a familial relationship where I caused that ethical dilemma. Thankfully, my older sisters decided to take responsibility and care for me then (though they took drastically different approaches: one of resistance and one of assistance). When we take responsibility for others in these relational dilemmas we ourselves flourish and development ethically in addition to caring for those in need.

What about Our Spouse’s siblings?
Speaking of “accidental embeddedness,” this also makes me think about my in-laws. Specifically, how do I care to my wife while she’s relating to her own siblings? This is a little bit trickier because I am a third-party and an outsider. So, what is my responsibility to the most important person in my life whenever she’s grappling with relationships in her familial context?

(My wife, her sisters, and mother)

I turn to Frozen II for a sage example. Yes, the sequel is a great movie that again celebrates sibling love and loyalty and adds a layer of when sibling love competes with romantic love. Ok, the movie just came out, so slight spoiler alert: In the movie, Kristoff’s attempts to propose to Anna are constantly thwarted by her preoccupation with and commitment to Elsa’s well-being.

At one point in the movie, Kristoff is abandoned in a forest because Anna is chasing after Elsa. During a critical moment, Kristoff rushes back into the scene to save Anna from imminent danger and simply says, “I’m here. What do you need?” Anna and Elsa were in the final stages of their epic attempt to save their kingdom and Kristoff is content to take a supporting role to them rather than being the knight in shining armor to save the day. This is a breath of fresh air coming from Disney. 

This is the kind of disposition I want to have for my siblings, but also my wife. When observing my wife’s sibling relationships, sometimes that ethic of care is simply being present and asking how can I help. Too often I rush in to offer my brilliant insight, negotiation skills, and ethical wisdom. Caring for my wife sometimes means acknowledging she has her own unique relational contexts. She is dependent upon and responsible for others in addition to me; so sometimes care simply looks like silently and supportively just being there with her.

Siblings are a blessing. I’m happy my wife, my children, and I all have them. That’s one thing I’m thankful for this week.